For a long time, I always felt like I was treated differently. People never got close to me. People were friendly, but I was always kept at an arm’s length. I used to wonder what was going on with me. Was it because I’m black? Over the last ten years or so, I’ve learned that race was not the reason people weren’t getting so close to me. It was because I’m autistic.
One of the things you learn about being autistic is how socially isolating it can be. You don’t feel close to anyone. People don’t always go out of your way to get to know you. You start to wonder if you are doing something wrong. It’s already a task to get to know others even though that is what you want. You are afraid at times of talking to others because of this fear that you are going say something wrong. When you are in a conversation with someone, you have to think of things to talk about and even though it might be a good conversation, you want to stop this talk because it feels like there is so much you have to do be a good conversation partner and not some freak.
I’ve learned that the issue is that people tend to be uncomfortable around autistic people– which makes social isolation even worse:
Autistics make other people uncomfortable, and we do this almost instantly upon meeting. In my communications classes, I teach about the 50 to 500 milliseconds during which most people develop first impressions. These impressions are difficult, nearly impossible, to counteract with evidence and familiarity.
Knowing us doesn’t undo the initial discomfort of meeting us. That is the cost of autism.
This paragraph from a person on Reddit puts the issue in stark relief:
I am socialised to show “support” for autistic people or I’ll face backlash. So here is me, and my true off my chest. You cannot force social change or change me by down voting me here.
I do not want to be friends with them. I do not want to date them. I don’t want to sit next to them on the bus or metro. I don’t want them as my colleague. I don’t want them as my neighbors.
Their actions can get disturbing and scary. From pushing people on the metro (yes I recognised the autistic children because of their school uniform), grabbing my hair (I happen to pass by a stop near a school for autistic children, it was really out of the blue) and making weird noise and hand gestures.
I also dated one once (didnt know he was autistic, we met online) and his lack of facial expressions is scary. Never mind dating etiquette, dating should be fun and all I felt was I am holding on to a robot with emotions and feelings….But the face is neutral and fixed.
I am sorry. You can hate me but you cannot change me. I’ll continue being a “bad human being” until I feel safe around autistic people.
Having autism means that making friendships, having connections with people is always a fraught exercise, and that has reprecussions in life. For example, some statistics say that only about 14 percent of individuals on the spectrum have jobs. One of the reasons that number might be so low is because of the difficulty of “connecting” with people. Interviews are as much about what kind of chemistry you have with the interviewer as it is about skills. When you are in the job, having a relationship with your supervisors and workmates can make the difference between getting a promotion or getting fired.
It shows itself in other ways. I’ve engaged people in fundraising over the years for churches and other groups I’m apart of. No matter how persuasive my writing is, the end result is always few if any donations. It’s not that people don’t like me, but asking for people to part with their money means you have to be able to make a connection with them. I know all the technical skills of writing a persuasive letter, how to present the request visually, but if I don’t have the “people skills” needed to make it happen then paraphrasing a passage from the Bible, I’m a clanging gong or loud cymbal.”
Can any of this change? Can I become learn now behavior that can make me more social and someone that doesn’t make people uncomfortable. The study which started this off would say that people need to be more accepting of the other ways people present themselves socially. Is that going to happen? I don’t know. What I do know is that the study seems to say that even before I go into that interview,or meet that new friend, people have already scanned me and made a decision.
I think at the end of the day, all I can do is try. That’s frustrating and it will not improve my situation. I guess you have to learn how to deal with rejection and learn how to move on.
Man, I feel you on this. From my experience, autistic people are people, first, and have all the same wants and needs and fears as anyone does.
I have no words of what to do about it. I’m not that smart. I just hear you on this.
One thing I’ve learned about people is that a lot of times just being with them when they’re in pain is a solace until the pain can be better endured. I’m sitting with you here on this, virtually, unfortunately. But nonetheless, I’m here listening.
This was both painful and fascinating. My husband is autistic, as is our adult daughter, and I know the challenges they’ve had dealing with life, jobs, and people. Or trying to deal with people who won’t deal with them. But I never realized (since obviously I’m not one of them) that many are unsettled by autistic people.
I’m sorry you’re suffering. Autism by itself is hard; add in rejection and the problems multiply. You can probably learn to fake expressions and emotion (if you aren’t doing this already) but the stress of constantly performing will come out in private.
Don’t beat yourself up about the fundraising. It may not be you. Fundraising is famously hard and people who are successful tend to be social on a scale that dwarfs even non-autistic people. People who would normally give may be tapped out. Too many crises going on. I don’t know the failure rate of GoFundMe campaigns but I bet it’s high.