One of the thing that I’ve noticed over the years since my autism diagnosis is how others on the spectrum demand the world accommodate to them.  That makes sense; like other persons with disabilities, there is a time when you do have to demand that changes be made to be able to work or simply live.  But there are times that I wonder if what has to be done, when possible, is to…well, suck it up and try to adapt.

Let me explain. Something that I am learning over the years is that people won’t always bend to your wishes.  There are a lot of reasons why some valid and some not.  More often than not it bad intent, it just is. I’ve experienced this in a lot of situations.  In those times, I’ve learned to stretch myself and try to adapt as much as possible.  It isn’t easy and it’s not always successful, but what I am learning in life is that life really isn’t fair and that sometimes you just have to find the best way to get something done. Sometimes saying that your autism means that you are so focused on something that you forgot the other thing you needed to do won’t cut.  Sometimes all you can do is apologize and say you will do better.

I’ve been trained as a journalist.  Being a journalist means you have to interview people.  Interviewing is not easy for me for the simple reason, meeting people and doing small talk is difficult.  The other part is that I have to try to create a story from my notes.  There is a part of being autistic that focuses on perfection.  I wanted to make sure my stories had the right information and I was trying to make sure that the quote I used was exact. Let’s not even start talking about using the phone.  The whole thing was draining and it made me not want to write stories even though I loved writing and I loved writing stories.

Without going into much detail, I was pushed to have to interview people and write again.  It’s my job and for a long time, I was trying to avoid it.  But when I had to do it, I had to find ways to adapt.  Using dictation software on my iPhone helps with the fear of having to be perfect.  I’ve had to learn to make small talk with people and I also wrote stories ahead of time so that I wasn’t so nervous.

I’ve had to adapt.  I didn’t have a choice.

I don’t want my experience is something everyone with autism/Aspergers should do what I’ve done. Not everyone has autism like I do.  But if you can adapt, I think you should try it.  Just because you’re autistic, doesn’t mean you can’t challenge yourself.

I’m glad I was pushed into something I had to do.  Reporting and writing didn’t have to be a chore.  I learned to use tools that would make it easier for me to do the work. If I never allowed myself to try to adapt, I might feel better, but I think I would be a lesser person.

When I titled this “It’s a neurotypical world and I just live in it,” I was trying to get the point across that sometimes I can’t expect the world to make room for me; I have to adapt.  Sometimes you have to.  But I think I’ve learned I can live in this strange world at least on some days.

For a long time, I always felt like I was treated differently.  People never got close to me. People were friendly, but I was always kept at an arm’s length.  I used to wonder what was going on with me.  Was it because I’m black? Over the last ten years or so, I’ve learned that race was not the reason people weren’t getting so close to me.  It was because I’m autistic.

One of the things you learn about being autistic is how socially isolating it can be.  You don’t feel close to anyone.  People don’t always go out of your way to get to know you. You start to wonder if you are doing something wrong. It’s already a task to get to know others even though that is what you want. You are afraid at times of talking to others because of this fear that you are going say something wrong.  When you are in a conversation with someone, you have to think of things to talk about and even though it might be a good conversation, you want to stop this talk because it feels like there is so much you have to do be a good conversation partner and not some freak.

I’ve learned that the issue is that people tend to be uncomfortable around autistic people– which makes social isolation even worse:

Autistics make other people uncomfortable, and we do this almost instantly upon meeting. In my communications classes, I teach about the 50 to 500 milliseconds during which most people develop first impressions. These impressions are difficult, nearly impossible, to counteract with evidence and familiarity.

Knowing us doesn’t undo the initial discomfort of meeting us. That is the cost of autism.

This paragraph from a person on Reddit puts the issue in stark relief:

I am socialised to show “support” for autistic people or I’ll face backlash. So here is me, and my true off my chest. You cannot force social change or change me by down voting me here.

I do not want to be friends with them. I do not want to date them. I don’t want to sit next to them on the bus or metro. I don’t want them as my colleague. I don’t want them as my neighbors.

Their actions can get disturbing and scary. From pushing people on the metro (yes I recognised the autistic children because of their school uniform), grabbing my hair (I happen to pass by a stop near a school for autistic children, it was really out of the blue) and making weird noise and hand gestures.

I also dated one once (didnt know he was autistic, we met online) and his lack of facial expressions is scary. Never mind dating etiquette, dating should be fun and all I felt was I am holding on to a robot with emotions and feelings….But the face is neutral and fixed.

I am sorry. You can hate me but you cannot change me. I’ll continue being a “bad human being” until I feel safe around autistic people.

Having autism means that making friendships, having connections with people is always a fraught exercise, and that has reprecussions in life. For example, some statistics say that only about 14 percent of individuals on the spectrum have jobs. One of the reasons that number might be so low is because of the difficulty of “connecting” with people. Interviews are as much about what kind of chemistry you have with the interviewer as it is about skills. When you are in the job, having a relationship with your supervisors and workmates can make the difference between getting a promotion or getting fired.

It shows itself in other ways. I’ve engaged people in fundraising over the years for churches and other groups I’m apart of. No matter how persuasive my writing is, the end result is always few if any donations. It’s not that people don’t like me, but asking for people to part with their money means you have to be able to make a connection with them. I know all the technical skills of writing a persuasive letter, how to present the request visually, but if I don’t have the “people skills” needed to make it happen then paraphrasing a passage from the Bible, I’m a clanging gong or loud cymbal.”

Can any of this change? Can I become learn now behavior that can make me more social and someone that doesn’t make people uncomfortable. The study which started this off would say that people need to be more accepting of the other ways people present themselves socially. Is that going to happen? I don’t know. What I do know is that the study seems to say that even before I go into that interview,or meet that new friend, people have already scanned me and made a decision.

I think at the end of the day, all I can do is try. That’s frustrating and it will not improve my situation. I guess you have to learn how to deal with rejection and learn how to move on.

One of my favorite cartoons growing up was the 1975 television special based on Maurice Sendak’s books with songs by Carole King.  Really Rosie was the name of the special and the song that I remember the most is “Pierre, the Boy Who Doesn’t Care.”

Pierre is a little boy that seems to go through life not allowing himself to feel for people and events that happen in his life.  The climax of the song and the story has Pierre willfully getting into the belly of a lion, not caring what happens.

I’ve started a new job that supplements my pastoral gig.  I think it will be a wonderful fit, but as the first day approached, I was filled with anxiety.  It’s an anxiety that I think has to be common to persons on the autism spectrum; that fear that you are going to mess things up and get people to be dissapointed in you.

The thing that I’ve learned over the years is that neurotypical people can never really understand those of us on spectrum even when we are honest about who we are.  They still won’t understand because it is not them or someone that they love.  They see slip-ups as a sign of being a bad worker or even worse, someone who doesn’t care.

An article from a Gwendolyn Kansen explains the challenges people on the spectrum face when they enter the job market and why it can be a challenge to have a full time job:

You start out upbeat. You were excited about this. You got through the interview just fine because you were so happy to be there. They might have even called you a good communicator.

You chat with your coworkers. People compliment your work. You might miss a few things, but you’re doing such a good job that they forgive you for it. People help you when you can’t do something.

For a while, you’re golden.

Then it gets harder.

As the work piles on, you start making mistakes. You lose something. You send a poorly-worded email. You realize that everyone is working faster than you are.

The multitasking is killing you. You ask your supervisor for help. You’ve been asking her that a lot by the way. Especially with sequential tasks. And she’s getting annoyed. She says you need to “work more independently.”

If you do your work without help, she says you need to “show more initiative.”

Either way, you are clearly not handling this well.

You don’t make small talk anymore. You don’t have the energy for it. Those people who were so nice to you at first are now starting to avoid you. The important assignments are now given to somebody else.

You know you look disinterested. And vaguely creepy. But you also know there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

None of this means my new job is going to head south, but there is always that fear that my little brain won’t be able to keep up.

None of this is better in the church world. Churches are supposed to be places of grace and mercy, but since its a human institution, it means that people don’t understand you and your “shortcomings” even when you try to explain it to them.

Which is why “coming out” to your employer is not always the best thing. Even when you tell them, they don’t seem to understand and they get angry when you miss something during your work.

I think that’s because person with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism appear normal.  That means, people can’t see our disability.  What they see is a person that seems normal enough doing a poor job on whatever project out there and someone that seems to not care.

You yourself know you are trying, but it seems lost on others.  They may have given up on you, believing you are utterly hopeless.

This then leads to you wondering if maybe they’re right.  Maybe you start to believe you really did something wrong.  Maybe if you were better, tried some trick to remember tasks, learned to smile more and kept your head down you wouldn’t be in this mess. Maybe it means being more…normal.

But there’s the rub. You aren’t normal.

Yes, you can mask some of your idiocyncrasies, but at the end of the day, you are going to be you, and those things that place you on the spectrum are going to come out.

What I’ve come to learn is that in the workplace, you have to do a few things. First, you have to accept you aren’t normal and never will be. And that’s okay.  This is who you are, who God made you.  Therapy and medication can temper some of the behaviors, but you are still going to do things that will piss off your coworkers.

I’m a pastor on the autism spectrum. I’m a web content specialist and on the autism spectrum.  This is who I am and it won’t change and I don’t want it to change.

Second, we need to urge people around us in our workplaces to learn more about autism.  But don’t expect that they will get to learn.  People think they know what autism is, and they don’t really bother to learn about how autism can show itself in people. But keep telling them.  Maybe it will sink in to folk.

Third, learn from your mistakes.  You are going to make mistakes in the workplace.  When you make a mistake, learn what you did wrong and correct it. And know you will make another mistake again. And you will learn from that.  People might not like that you make those mistakes, but they are the only way we learn.

Fourth, we have to learn to have a thick skin.  Because people think you don’t care, because for some reason you make them angry, people will say some things that will sting.  You have to learn how to not allow it to control you.  It’s easy to let those words ruin your whole day, but you have to be able to do your work even with the pain.  As I’ve said before, people don’t understand, so as hard as it is to admit this, you can’t expect sympathy from people.

These are just a few tips I’ve learned over time.  Following them doesn’t mean your job/vocation will be smooth sailing, though. People will always notice that something is off.  They will always notice you aren’t normal.

But we don’t have to be normal.  We can’t be normal.  Just do what you can for the glory of God.