The Care and Feeding of Aspies

It’s taken me a few years to realize how different I am from most of humanity.  The thing about Asperger’s is that you think your life is normal.  What I see is my reality.

But of course that is not how life works.  I am different from others.  And that difference can lead to some problems; not only to those of us with Aspergers, but of course with those neurotypical friends and colleagues around us.  Most people don’t really understand what it means to be on the spectrum.  Even if they say they understand, the mostly likely don’t get it at all.

So, this is just some things that I’ve observed in my life and others that should help in dealing with someone with Aspergers.  It’s not an expert analysis, it’s just my thoughts.

No, I am not psychopath. Because I tend to not express outward emotions like others, there have been people who think I just don’t care about anything.  I can see why after a school shooting people hone in on the assailant’s problems, such as autism or Asperger’s.  I think that’s rather lazy thinking.  No, those of us on spectrum aren’t perfect, or angels and there are very likely people who are evil.  But just because we don’t express emotion in the same way as others doesn’t mean that I’m going to go and blow away a classroom of fifth graders.

Aspergers is not quirk.  One of the problems in modern culture is likening autism to eccentricity.  It’s one of those cute things that you like about people.  Let me be clear: Aspergers is not cute.  It is can be a thorn in my side.  When you get mad at something I said or did and conclude that I don’t care or that I’m incompetent, you will realize that this is not cute.  Having Aspergers means having problems with communication.  I can say something that comes off as brash and I was trying to be honest and helpful.  So stop thinking that I’m the “crazy uncle.”  Because if you think that and then we reach a misunderstanding, you will start seeing me as that ***hole, instead.  Being an ***hole is definitely not cute.

But I do have quirks.  I know, this sounds contrdictory, but stay with me.  While Aspergers isn’t a quirk, it can produce some odd quirks that people need to understand.  One of my quirks?  Phones kind of scare me.  Of course, I will take a phone call, but it’s just been difficult to use the phone- mostly because it makes me feel less secure.  I remember when Daniel and I were dating.  He lived in Grand Forks, North Dakota and there were a lot of occasions where I perferred using online chat than using the phone.  It’s something I’m working on, but for a lot of people it just seems weird.

I actually do care.  I tend to think most people see me as standoffish, which has probably led to a lot of people keeping their distance from me.  What I wish people understood is that I do care about my friends and family; probably more than you know.  The thing is, I can struggle with how to share that.  Sometimes I come on too strong and freak people out; sometimes I’m too laid back and people think I’m uncaring.  I’m still trying to figure this out, so if you want to be my friend, be patient; I’m not trying to be a jerk.

Small Talk is a challenge.  I’m 44 years old and I still have a problem with small talk.  What I’m learning is how much small talk is the basis of relationships both platonic and romantic.  I think a lot of friendships never got deeper because I found it hard to just shoot the breeze.  So be patient, I’m still learning about how to talk about the weather.

My intentions are good.  I’ve been in a few situations where my actions were interpeted as being disrespectful.  I can remember one situation where my response was accepted badly.  I tried to explain the best I could (which is also an issue with someone with Aspergers), but I was still viewed in a highly negative view.  What I wish most people knew is that for the most part, I’m trying to help.  I’m not trying to being disrespectful.

There are more things I could talk about, but not right now.  What I hope this can do is help people understand someone who has Aspergers.  We aren’t bad people if you get to know us.